Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
