Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
