so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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