checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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