well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
