We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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