Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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