I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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