stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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