At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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