This is not my ceiling
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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