if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
