did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
