I can text with my tongue
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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