if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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