a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
