you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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