I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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