I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
