Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
