I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
