I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
