I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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