Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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