He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
