glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
