if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
