I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
