Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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