He is such a slut. More and more my type.
there was a trapeze. enough said
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
