oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
