Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
