im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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