Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
