She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We need to get me chipped asap
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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