I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
