Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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