were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
