so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
