Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
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I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
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the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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