nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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