I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
