Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
