oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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