unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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