I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
