now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There r osticjed everywhere
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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