He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
