he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
