Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
