I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
