I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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