TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
