I am midnight drunk by noon
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
