Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
