Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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