Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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