I just threw up on my dentist
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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