I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
